Is gentle parenting compatible with the Bible?

Gentle parenting, also called positive parenting or respectful parenting, is an empathic form of parenting that emphasizes communication and guidance rather than discipline. It aims to ensure strong emotional development in a child as he or she grows into an adult. Rather than fall back on traditional forms of reward and punishment, gentle parenting offers choices, explanations, and a listening ear. Gentle parenting makes use of clear expectations, established boundaries, problem-solving, and emotional regulation to shape a child’s behavior.

Gentle parenting seeks to bring up children with no shaming, assigning of blame, or meting out punishment. It is a collaborative effort between the parent and the child that relies heavily on calm, honest communication. The parent seeks to understand the feelings that motivate the child and the stressors that lead to unwanted behavior. The parent then becomes a guide, a coach to help the child discover the best course of action for himself. Four main aspects of gentle parenting are empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries.

Proponents of the gentle parenting approach assert that it is essential to believe that all human beings are basically good. Dr. Becky Kennedy writes, “When you’re confident in your child’s goodness, you believe in their ability to behave ‘well’ and do the right thing” (Good Inside, Harper Wave, 2022, p. 4). The problem is, imperfect wants, wrong feelings, and sin are in us from birth. The Bible denies the innate goodness of humanity: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1). “There is no one righteous, not even one” (Romans 3:10; cf. Luke 18:19). A child never has to be taught to lie, to bite another child, or to throw a tantrum on the supermarket floor. Children innately know selfishness. They are born fighting for what they want in the wrong ways.

Another common aspect of gentle parenting that conflicts with biblical truth is its denial that negative consequences can be good and healthy. Scripture relates many examples of God responding to His people’s wrongdoing with negative consequences. Moses, David, Solomon, and many others experienced appropriate, negative consequences from the God who cares for their souls. God established human authorities “to bring punishment on the wrongdoer” (Romans 13:4) with His blessing. God established the authority structure within the home, with the father bearing the responsibility to “bring [the children] up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4, NLT). The universal principle that “whatever a person sows he will also reap” (Galatians 6:7, CSB) is still in effect.

Part of worshiping God is knowing He is our Father. And “He disciplines those he loves” (Hebrews 12:6). Sadly, the word discipline is a trigger for many people nowadays, but consider its derivative: disciple. A disciple is a “learner.” Gentle parenting shortchanges the idea that discipline is meant to teach and to train. Gentle parenting overlooks the value of pain. “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11).

The Word of God says that it’s a double-edged sword—it hurts and heals; it can bring salvation or judgment. The Word is useful for “teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16–17). Scripture disciplines us like a surgeon uses a scalpel. If an aggressive cancer is threatening to spread from someone’s arm to the rest of his body, the surgeon may (lovingly) cut off the arm to save the patient’s life. The remedy, although it hurts, heals. When a child sins, some gentle “training in righteousness” is what’s called for, even if it involves some type of loss or pain. The most loving way to deal with intrusive sin may sometimes be a painful rebuke.

There is no one-size-fits-all style of parenting. Gentle parenting has some wonderful ideas that could benefit any parent in his or her God-given task of rearing a child. Being aware of a child’s emotional make-up, adjusting for differing stages of development, controlling one’s reactions, and seeking to communicate are all good and wise actions. But the denial of sin or the sinful nature is counterproductive, and children should not be shielded from (most of) the negative consequences of their actions. By understanding and respecting authority, a child grows in wisdom. By learning to heed a firm but loving “no,” children are better prepared for a future on their own.