What does the Bible say about toxic relationships?

The word toxic means “poisonous.” Toxic relationships are those that poison our peace and our ability to enjoy another person. A toxic relationship will leave one exhausted, frustrated, and, in some cases, depressed. Toxic relationships can affect business partnerships, sports teams, and families. Some disharmony in a relationship is normal; however, some people inject poison into every relationship, making healthy give-and-take impossible. The Bible has some advice in dealing with toxic behavior in people.

There will be some people whose company we don’t prefer, but we can still have a non-toxic relationship with them. People who are polar opposites in some regard can maintain a comfortable relationship. Democrats can enjoy the company of Republicans, a New York Yankees fan can have a friendly relationship with a Boston Red Sox fan, and Christians can engage in healthy interactions with non-Christians. But when a relationship becomes toxic, it is unhealthy and unsafe.

Several factors determine whether a relationship is toxic:

1. The relationship is completely one-sided in favor of the more demanding person. Toxic relationships often involve a narcissist whose selfish desires rule the day. Of course, narcissism is a violation of Philippians 2:3–4, which says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” People with toxic tendencies may pretend they are doing something for someone else, but there is always an ulterior motive that will benefit them.

2. The relationship is characterized by continual drama. Ironically, the one injecting the toxin is often the one who proclaims how much he or she “hates drama”—yet seems to thrive on it. Arising from the drama is a tangle of excuses, lies, fabrications, crises, and crazy situations that weary everyone else. The goal of the drama is to keep attention focused on the one craving it.

3. One person is always right, and the other person is always wrong. People with toxic behaviors scoff at anyone who dares correct or disagree with them. They mask their pride with fake humility, but there is rarely any true repentance because they don’t believe they are wrong. Everyone else is at fault. Such people are headed for a fall (Proverbs 16:18). Even as they express self-pity or grovel in seeming repentance, the pride remains.

4. One person dreads interactions with outsiders. The person with toxic behavior may appear charming to outsiders, but those closer to the relationship know the real story. Every interaction with someone outside the relationship, no matter how innocent it may begin, ends with the twist of a dagger. If you become anxious at the thought of another interaction with someone in your life, through no fault of your own, you may be in a toxic relationship.

5. One person relishes victimhood. Avoiding personal responsibility, wallowing in self-pity, and playing the martyr are all behaviors that contribute to toxicity in a relationship. The innocent party in a toxic relationship usually ends up looking like the bad guy, judged for being “intolerant” or “cruel” by outsiders who are fooled by the other person’s claims to victimhood. This creates division and misunderstanding in peripheral relationships.

6. Lying. Those who exhibit toxic behaviors can usually lie with ease and are so convincing that even those who know better begin to question their own perceptions. Of course, their lies are justified in their own minds, and if caught red-handed in a lie, they may feign remorse, all the while concealing a dozen more lies yet to be discovered. Scripture has stern words for liars. Proverbs 6:16–19 lists seven things the Lord hates, and lying is on the list twice.

A possible example of toxic behavior in Scripture comes from King Saul. He began well, but power, pride, and jealousy crippled his soul. His furious jealousy of David manifested itself in a confusing array of moods. One moment Saul was calm and enjoying David’s music; the next he was trying to kill him (1 Samuel 19:9–10). Saul would appear to show remorse, but soon he was hunting David again (1 Samuel 24:16–17; 26:2, 21). Later, Saul violated a serious command from the Lord so that people would think well of him (1 Samuel 15). That sin cost Saul his kingdom.

We have been called to peace (Colossians 3:15), but a toxic relationship destroys peace. Some people become abusive to the point that we cannot seek or broker peace in any area. When the relationship is continually filled with drama, when you find yourself dreading the next blowup, when you cannot believe anything this person says, or when someone is destroying your reputation and sanity, then it is time to create distance in the relationship.

Psalm 1:1 speaks of keeping away from the wicked. We are blessed when we do not “walk in step with the wicked,” refuse to “stand in the way that sinners take,” and decline to “sit in the company of mockers.” It helps to remember that you cannot change a person’s toxic behavior, especially from within the relationship. It is much better to choose the blessings described in Psalm 1 than to stay in a toxic relationship.

People-pleasers are the most frequent victims of toxic relationships. People-pleasers want to be liked, and those with toxic behaviors will take full advantage. So, there are times when closing the door on a relationship is the wisest thing to do (Proverbs 22:24–25). If your marriage is a toxic relationship, then a separation may be in order, along with some focused marital counselling. If you are not married, then it’s time to say goodbye. The relationship needs to end.

In every situation involving a toxic relationship, take the matter to God in prayer. Cry out to “receive mercy and find grace” to help in the time of need (Hebrews 4:16). “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Petition the Lord unceasingly to change the heart of the person bringing the toxicity. There is hope and healing in Him.